My mis-interpretation of Life

Hey guys

I am sorry I have not updtated in a while! I have been keeping on top of my Opera journal to be honest with you!

I have had a manic time really and anyone who would like to read the opera journal - email me and I'll give you the link!

So I wanted to pop on and say Have a VERY Merry Xmas and New Year...

Love and Kisses

JM xx

Okay... I have changed my mind once more and this time it is for good!

I was wondering if S was maybe to one as I was upset over him. But to be honest with you that post ws made one day before my second date with D! So I guess I hadn't made up my mind at all!

Anyway... I have been very slack at updating and things are now going to change!!!

I believe that things happen for a reason in this life. I thought that my split from D was the worst thing that could possibly ever happen to me... But during that time, I met someone else, thought they were amazing but soon realised they weren't all they were cracked up to be and far from it! I also found my independence and my real friends.

Since getting back in contact with D, I have been a much happier person that he is back in my life. When he asked me to get back together with him, I was speechless and over the moon! I was confused at first as I was still with S... But, after a lot of unhappy run in's with S, I realised that D was the one for me. He made me happy - He challenged me mentally... And despite the problems we had in the past, I realised that the time we had spent apart was a good one and it had made me realise a lot of things, most of all that I need my friends and that D was far from being that bad! In fact, he is my soulmate and I say that sincerely and from the bottom of my heart.

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The Date...

I met D on Thursday. It was lovely to see him! (Again!) Our plan was to go outdoor ice skating, but I got sent home from work for being hung over and he was going to belgium the next day, so I didn't want him to get a cold! So we just went to dinner and had a couple of drinks at his local pub... It was a lovely night and the food was delicious!

Friday...

I met up with Harry, who is a friend of Tim who is a friend of D... lol! He's 19, but very mature and funny! We had a couple of drinks after I met with S to collect my money. S was cold and really horrible to me! He was supposed to be taking me out to dinner that night to give me my money after I had a drink with Harry, but he'd rathe go out with his work colleagues. It was supposed to be our goodbye dinner as in 3 months he had NEVER - Yep NEVER taken me out! But that didn't happen and he just treated me like shit for the rest of the night! Harry and I went to meet Tim and it was a genuinely nice night!

Saturday...

The rudeness continued - I got 2 missed calls and a nasty message from S at 1.30am. I called him back and we spoke. He just kept going on about random shit as he does when he's had too many! He told me he'd be up before 12 to bring round my stuff that's at his!!! Was he? NO!!! Surprise surprise. This is no exageration, but S lets me down about 90% of the time! He never sticks to his word and he's terrible at taking responsibility for things which irritates me soooooo much! He'll just turn round and say f*&@ off to me!!! Which is another massive disrespectful thing to say to a woman! (If you can call me that hee hee!)

I eventually got hold of him at 1.20pm and he said that he couldn't talk as he was about to throw up and that he's call me back. half an hour wen past and I had still not heard from him so I called him - no answer - I called a few more times, then I got a text saying that he couldn't talk as everytime he spoke he threw up! I left it 2 mins and I called back! What a surprise - My phone flashed up "call waiting" - He was on the phone! The guy is a compulsive liar at times - That just pissed me off beyond belief. He didn't pick up for ages - Then I called him from my mum's chip - He picked up!!! I was so angry! we argued a bit, then I let him go and go to sleep. He said he'd drop my stuff round later on in the afternoon.

I text him saying that I would come to his and give him a hand (yes... nice person!!!), which I did - On the way over, he texts me and tells me that he's locked out of the house. How convenient! He had to break the lock apparently! (Looked fine wehn I got to his!) He told me he couldn't come to mine with all my stuff... By this time I was FUMING - I had just travelled from South London to East London to get my stuff (AND it was just to help him!) and now he was telling me that he couldn't help me!

Anyway, I got to his and said that I had had a long trip, and could I have a cup of tea... He said to me "Uhhhh, not really, I am very tired!" I was speechless! I had just come ALL that way for nothing, because of him and now he was denying me a cup of tea? He followed it up with "I have no milk anyway!" So I said fine, the least you can do is get me a drink! So he did! I tried to speak to him, beut every time he just told me to F off... charming!!! Eventually, I said to him, "Do you REALLY expect me to drag this massive bag across London by myself?" to which he answered "Well I am not doing it today!" - The bag comes up to my lower ribs and is massive - I am 5'4 and weigh 7 stone! lol! He's 6' and weighs 15 Stone and even HE struggled to take it outside!!! I got 4 houses down the road and burst into tears - I called my Dad and he told me to take it back and he'd help me the next day! So I did and I went home to go out with the girls...

Saturday night was amazing. I went out with Olivia and Joanna. It was a great night! I also met one of my idols - Freddie Ljungberg from The Arsenal! I was so happy! lol! So a rubbish day and an amazing night!!!

Sunday...

Sunday morning, I gave S the chance to bring round my stuff... Which he did - He tried it on when he was round, but he was going no where!!! lol! Anyway - I chilled out at home and then I got a much awaited text!
Hi Swanny, hope you had a nice weekend. I'm back now and have brought you back 2 presents

I was over the moon - I couldn't stop grinning! So I replied:
Welcome home Pea. 2 presents, who's a lucky gairl then! So when do I get to see them? Thank you

He then asked me out that night and I was so excited, I couldn't contain myself! ha ha!

So we went to the cinema then back to his to chill out! It was really nice - He helped me put some tunes on my phone and it was a memorable night! So I know that I am 100% for D. S has deadened me... I can't live with someone that treats me with such low resepct - especially when I have been there for him, kept him going financially and given him my all!!!

So... there we have it! The mother of all turn arounds and the mother of all updates! ha ha!

Hiya guys

It's been an awful long time since my last update. Now as you may know, before my current departing from S, I was previously with D. Now D and I were together for 2 years (officially, Unofficially 4!). Now, S and I got together a week (yes a week - I know! Not good!) after D and I split up. Most might say it was a rebound. I can tell you here and now, that, that could not be further from the truth.

OK, so anyway. After I wrote that blog I got on with things, saw my friend Julie and went home to my folks. The week after, S asked me back, so I said yes... I had football tickets to Fulham and Man City for that Saturday, so I asked S, but he was working. The only other person I could ask really was D. He said he'd go, so all was good!

Sat came and D and I got on just as well as we ever had! He's a great guy, but is not great at dealing with important and upsetting issues, which in turn made us argue and he's not very nice or patient when arguing! But anyway - We had a great time! I saw S afterwards and spent most of the night eplaining to him that D and I had fun but that was all that went on - which WAS all that went on - We had a good time catching up. (NB - We hadn't seen eachother since the day we split up!)

S was very annoying for the next couple of days. He was paranoid about D. It was getting to me. Tuesday I was meant to be seeing S but he let me down (Again!). I bumped into D in Canary Wharf and we decided to go to the cinema together. We watched Saw 2! It was good and yet again, he didn't try anything on - but it was just nice to see him again. I made sure before I went that S knew. I didn't want to keep anything from him. I would do nothing wrong and that was that! Afterwards I suggested going for a drink - Well, that turned into food instead. I forgot to turn my phone back on loud. I had 2 missed calls and 4 messages. Cutting a long story short, S wasn't happy and was being mean, even though I had done NOTHING wrong and D knew about him etc etc. I ended up crying at the table... D then said as I picked up my phone "can we talk?" - I put the phone down and he went into how much he'd enjoyed himself with me the past couple of times. He then followed it up with "I was thinking that maybe we should give it another go..." This spun me out and I went to S's as he'd flipped out. I told D I didn't think it was good timing, but that I cared about him a lot!

I know I am missing out a lot of info here, but, basically S and I sorted things, we went to Liverpool for his Sisters engagement party. It was lovely in Liverpool... I can honestly say I fell for S in a big way there! We came back though and he was back to his old ways of accusing me that I was too much, so we have now finished again! Time to start fresh - We gave it a good go...

I just have no luck with men...!

JM xx

I am feeling a little shakey this morning. I didn't eat last night and I know that isn't a good idea... But I spent the majority of the night at S's, trying to understand what's happened and what's gone wrong! I cried a lot. A hell of a lot. He kept hugging me and kissing my head and cheek! It's not meant to happen like this and I do love him... More than I can explain on here.

When I got to his, he had all my stuff already packed up and ready to go O V E R... It hit me. I am not sure how I will bounce back from this one. I felt so at ease with him, I was falling very fast and I guess that's what made me become... what's the word?... needy, clingy... I don't know!

One things for sure - I left more confused than when I got there! Whilst watching the TV, I leaned over and hugged him. He hugged me back and then kissed my cheek, he then went for my lips and we ended up in an intese embrace/kiss... one thing led to another and then - YEP, you guessed it... lets just say the light went off

I can't even talk about this... not now!

A more intimate entry this time... I haven't really been documenting how I feel quite as much as I use to. Which I think is a good thing really... I feel more controlled! Things happened, however, that I found both upsetting and bizzare.

S was unwell at work (apparently) yesterday. Bear in mind he was due to come over to mine after work, so anything is possible! He always lets me down when he is due to come over to my place! It upsets me so much... Anyway, right up to when he was leaving work, he was still saying, 'yeah, I'll come to yours' etc. etc. Then he suddenly logged off messenger. I didn't think any more of it! I text him asking him where he was and got no repy for 15 minutes. He replied saying that he was going home as he didn't feel great, despite me offering to cook and make him tea etc. last night. Before he left work, he seemed well up for it! I was going to cook a chilli con carne for him. Lucky I didn't go out and buy the ingredients.

Anyway - I called him after work and I wasn't happy. I said to him that he always seemed to be tired or ill or both, when he was due to stay at my house! I told him that it upset me and I was starting to take it personally. I just feel that I am always making the effort for the men I end up being with! It's not fair - It was the same with D and I really don't want this relationship to go that way!

So... He shouted at me loads and hung up 4 times - I was gutted and in tears... He didn't seem to care! I tried explaining that I wasn't shouting at him and that he was just tired and to calm down! He did a little but was still extremely hostile! I was at a loss of what to do as I didn't want to turn up on his doorstep, I didn't do anything wrong. So I went to the cinema to watch the Corpse Bride.

As I stood on the train, tears were in my eyes, this guy was bothering me so so much. When I am with him, we are fabulous. We have been brilliant recently and I cannot understand his mood!?!?! He text me saying that we should maybe have some space and stuff, which, we do go out without eachother and see our friends etc... I think he was still mad!

I watched the film - My mind was pretty far away though. I kept getting emotional during the film and when it finished, I was even more emotional as before. So I sat on the train home still with tears in my eyes thinking "why me? What have I done wrong?" I mean, all I do in this life of mine is try and make people happy, so why do I end up just pushing them away? It doesn't make sense to me!

Once I got home, I went straight to bed and put on 'Donnie Darko'. Nikki, my new flatmate came in after about an hour of the film and was chatting to me. When she went I turned off the TV and went to sleep. My mind filled with a million questions and fears... :faint:

I slept well though and this morning I called him to make sure he got up for work. He answered and we had a good chat (kinda). He told me to call him again at 8am to make sure he was up, which I did but I still can't get hold of him and it's now 9.10am. I have to say, I am really worried!!! I don't know what's going on, I really don't. But I know if things don't work out with S, it's going to break my heart... again! :cry:

Anyway - I will wait for his call... I think I am in love now and theres no going back I pray to God that he doesn't treat me badly.

See ya guys...

FB xx